My arsenal, 2008, digital photograph (click to enlarge for text)
Yes, And it's not for making whipped cream. When god hands us a talent, he also hands us a whip, And that whip is intended solely for self flagellation. According to Truman Capote - or something very similar was spouted by him anyway. Yes I have not posting on a regular basis again. I'd like to have an excuse and, say I've been extremely busy - but I haven't, truth be told. I just haven't been feeling inspired to blog about anything personal other than opening nights and associated ephemera. Deal with it.
It has been an extremely busy year with 3 exhibitions and several group shows. I guess I may just be tired after that and all the life-changing major shit I've been through over the last 12 or so months - including divorcing and re-marrying careers, moving several times and losing lots of posessions in the process, settling in another city and into a completely different environment that has real snakes instead of jelly ones - that has been a lot of hard work and adjustment too.
As well as that, I clearly find my creativity cycles these days - I will have tons of energy, and with a feeling of excitement and positivity I embark on a manic period of inspiration where I manage to churn out masses of art and writing and ideas for a couple of months...
...and then I completely flatline for a few weeks like I am out of gas. I don't have the energy to do much at all and I tend to berate myself about it. Everything seems to be a major effort even if it is getting around to making (or especially returning- sorry!) a phone call. I have learned in my old age to take it a bit easier on myself and not hassle me too much because tit has no result (TYPO, but I'm keeping it).
After all, although I think I am a machine, the reality is I am starting to accept, that this up and down thing is just the way that it works for me. And it's probably more normal than I think. Yes it exhausts me but I cannot change it. I just have to wait until I feel like it. And to all those who say "I can't just go around doing what I want when I feel like it" I say to you - shove it! I try not to get guilt tripped by others about it either. There have been many times I have been through this on a deadline, sick, in a relationship and whatever else I am slammed with, I haven't had the luxury of stopping when I feel like it - so while I can I will.
So what have I been doing? Well, I have been sitting here in my ivory tower filing my nails...
Seriously, I finished a new piece of writing about my parents sticking me in a barrel as a toddler and traumatising me, and started another about that unfortunate incident with the bus driver, and finished off 2 pieces that had been cooking and needed some finishing touches. I find putting this personal stuff to paper incredibly, crushingly draining.
I've continued to make new pieces of art for the "Miserable Without You" exhibition. What is happening is that I am starting to use pieces of my writing on images to make new work, instead of just a single sentence. I am doing thinking about proposals I have been stuck on and coming up with some solutions that suit me and feel realistic and possible, which leads me to my painting practice or rather lack of it.
I am still working up to painting, how to approach it and make it exciting for myself again. My major argument with myself is "people will spend money on paintings but are less likely to commit to other disciplines when it comes to putting down the notes". The reality is, they sell and I need the money badly.
So, a major revelationwas that I finally admitted to something I'd been pretending I haven't been feeling for ages, that I am almost completely BORED with painting and was avoiding going into the studio. So, is that so wrong when I have been pretty much stuck to one discipline for 20 years? In reality, painting is a very solitary, and boring task. Not particularly spontaneous, and I think about everything too much while I am doing it (going over and around evrything continuously until I want to flip my lid, take out my brain and throw it out the window). I figure that just may be the problem, spontanaiety - and therein lies the resolution. After working with photographic images for 18 months I have concluded I am not satisfied with that either. So the answer is CHANGE!
...Yet to me all those things are still "not doing much of anything." Crazy way of thinking, isn't it - I am my own worst enemy and I know it!
On that note, I have some actual REAL work to do (..."why don't you get a real job?") on a book cover , to get some money coming in. So best I get on to it.
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